oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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