I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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