Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
