meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
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i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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