wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
