did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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