I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
