how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
No subtext here. People are naked.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
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I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
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Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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