i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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