Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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