It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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