just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
