dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
