I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We are two peas in an std pod
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
