I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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