somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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