i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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