Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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