Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
