just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
We are all done wearing pants today
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
