If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
