My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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