He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
