the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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