i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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