I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
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Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
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I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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