he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
