I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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