I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
