Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
