I smell stomach acid.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Semen is not good for contacts.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
