i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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