I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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