What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
