just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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