get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
