I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I had to cum in my sink.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
