Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
