why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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