Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I supernannyed him into submission
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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