I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
