how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
