So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
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no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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