Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
