If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
