The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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