So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
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I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
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Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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