Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
