I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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