i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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