Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
