The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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